Custody disputes have long been known to ignite intense conflicts in courtrooms following the separation of couples. In a recent instance, a man found himself embroiled in such a situation, firmly convinced that he should receive something from his ex-wife before considering any changes to their custody agreement. His confident assertion of "I don't care" provoked a wave of backlash from the online community.
No Custody Agreement Changes
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In a Reddit post, the man firmly states his refusal to modify the custody agreement just because he isn’t receiving any offers in return, even though he and his ex currently have equal custody of their 9-year-old son, alternating weeks.
Almost the Same Custody Arrangement
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The ex-wife has also a 5-year-old from her second marriage, and the custody arrangement mirrors that of her ex-husband and herself, except she has the 5-year-old during the week when her ex has their 9-year-old.
Ex-Wife Request
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As her second ex-husband declined to make adjustments to their custody agreement, the OP's ex, in turn, approached him and asked for a change in theirs.
No Easy Approval
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The OP emphasizes, “This is a huge deal,” stressing that he cannot simply give their approval. He fears that she would then start demanding additional accommodations that would come at his own expense.
Demanding An Incentive
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He told her ex-wife to think about what she was going to offer him in return as an incentive to go along with the plan.
In response, she got “mad” because he “just wouldn't just do it.”
Denying Payment of Legal Fees
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The ex-wife also made it clear that she would not be responsible for his legal expenses since any modifications to the custody arrangement in their state require authorization from a judge.
Is It Too Much To Ask?
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The OP explains that he wasn’t requesting something extravagant in return, such as a large sum of money. Instead, he wanted something simpler. “Honestly if she would have offered me something like an extra holiday then I'd go along with it.”
Prioritizing One Child Over the Other
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The OP clarifies that both boys are equally happy when they are together because they get to have their parent's undivided attention.
He adds, “My relationship with my son is more important than with his brother.”
“I Don’t Care”
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While he stated firmly in his post, “Now she's p.ssed and I don't care,” he still seeks validation from the Reddit community to confirm whether or not he was in the wrong for refusing to change the custody agreement without being offered anything in return, asking "AITA?"
Online Outrage
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The OP's behavior towards his ex received significant backlash from readers, resulting in numerous judgments of "YTA".
Redditors in the comments section labeled his actions as “petty,” stemming from a “fragile ego,” and accused him of using their son to hurt his ex and seeking revenge for her decision to leave him.
“Your Attitude Disgusts Me”
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“I work in a family law office and dealing with AHs like you are the worst part of the job by far,” shared one user. Instead of doing what's in the best interests of your children, like preserving a healthy co-parenting relationship that will make your children's lives materially better, you are choosing to be a major AH.
“Worst of all, it's the kids that usually suffer the most when you have a parent being a grade-A asshole like you are. YTA all the way. Your ‘F.ck you, got mine’ attitude disgusts me.”
Legal Consequences Looming
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One commenter raised a valid point by asking whether the ex-wife has the option to petition the court for a change in the custody agreement if the OP remains obstinate. They suggest that if this is indeed the case, the OP may be “setting himself up for some unneeded legal fees down the road.:
In response to the commenter's question, another Reddit user replied, “In most states, yes. She could also use this thread to show the judge his attitude.”
Using Son To “Hurt” Ex-Wife
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“OP doesn't want his child to have a relationship with the brother. He wants to center himself in the kid's life,” one user argued. “He's afraid to do his ex a favor because he thinks it will give her control over him.”
“In reality, he's a coward who is fixated on power and control and who's been itching for another opportunity to punish her for leaving him and living her best life. And he's using their son to hurt her because he likes how cruelty makes him feel powerful instead of ashamed he wasn't good enough for her. AHs like OP never learn though. Everything and everyone is a threat to their fragile ego.
“Petty”
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“Hard YTA,” voted another Redditor, “Instead of trying to establish a healthy co-parenting dynamic, you're just doing this to be petty - and I bet you're doing it so you're ex doesn't have a week ‘off’.
“This isn't a competition. Let your son spend time with his brother. There will come a day where you need your ex's support. This is very shortsighted.”
“Red Flags”
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In response to the OP's statement that their relationship with their son is more important than their relationship with their brother, one Reddit user expressed, “Red flags are going off right now... “
“Why can't your relationship with your son be just as important as your son's relationship with his brother? When all of the parents are dead and gone, do you genuinely feel it's a good idea for your son to not have anyone? Just truly think about someone besides yourself right now. YTA.”
“Be the Better Person”
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Another commenter, taking a gentler approach, offered the OP a valuable piece of advice that someone else believed “should be hung on the wall of every family courtroom”: “Love your child more than you hate your ex.”
They continued, “Swap weeks so that the siblings can see each other. The only reason not to use a work situation where you are deployed or working overnight during those weeks.”
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